I feel very out of control, I just want to get away.

I feel like running away, but where would I go... 

ow. 

I like spikey, he's small and cute.

Ricky is hot. hot hot hot.

I have nothing to write about.

now it is time for law and order: svu!!!!

i gotsta go now.

I'm not sure that daddy really knows what he's getting himself into.

I'm not sure he understands how hard this is going to be.

I'm not sure if he can handle it.

Just not sure. 

I keep thinking about you, over and over again.

I miss you, I really really miss you.

I just want to see you happy and healthy again.

I'll do anything.

anything. 

On my mom's side of the bed there were two pads incase of an "accident" which happens when she drinks too much. My mom said dan made the bed that way, and he always does "as a precautionary" thing, because it used to happen so much.

When I called Dan it was to find out if he actually put them there or if she did because she knew she was going to drink.

I asked him why they were there and if he did it.

"I put them there, but you should really ask your mom about this."

"WHY did you put them out."

"She has urinary problems."

"Dan, I know she does when she drinks too much but why would you put them out now, she's not drinking.. right."

"Talk to your mother"

"Dan, I know she's drunk right now, so did you know she was going to be drinking?"

*sigh* "yes, But I can't stop her."

there was a short pause.

"Anna?"

"yeah"

"your mother needs help."

"I know, I know."

"we need to help her, but I can't do it."

I have finally found the good in dan.

I need to help my mother.

Tomorrow I am spending the night at daddy's, but Wednesday I think I will have mommy pick me up from improv and take me home instead of going to dads like I'm supposed to, so we can talk. 

Actually I think I'll have Dan pick me up, it will be almost 10, she might have drank. This time he'd be the better choice as a driver and adult.

I know I need a little time before I talk to her to gather my thoughts so I don't explode on her.

I need to pray for her.

now.

 

originally I was going to make an entry about how I'm starting to like myself and accept everything about myself. I was going to write about how I was actually looking forward to tomorrow for a change and I was just happy.

But sadly, I can't do that anymore.

I'm no longer happy.

I'm distraught, angry, upset, shocked, I have so many feelings I don't completely know what to do, except journal. 

so I shall.

About an hour ago Mummy and I were talking about my birthay dinner and she began to slur her words.

"what wrong with you."

"Nothing"

"you're lying, what is it?"

I wanted to just out right say it "are you drunk" but I thought that would be wrong to accuse her when I didn't really know.

..bashfully.. "I had some tequila"

"That's not allowed"

"Yeah it is"

"Every once in a while!"

"No."

I went in to the bathroom and cried.

I began to have a panic attack.

I got in the shower, heart still racing, still hyperventilating, half crying now.

I kept muttering "this is not okay, this is not okay" over and over again.

I finished my shower, but not the crying.

I got dressed and opened the bathroom to find my mother passed out in the office chair.

I went to her and called her name, "mom, mom, MOM! Get up. You know you're going to be sore in the morning if you staying here."

*moaning*

I pulled her arm and had to, forcefully, drag her out of the chair and tell her to "GO TO BED NOW."

Still moaning, she literally stumbled into the bathroom, leaving the door open.

I waiting angrily so I could put her to bed.

A long while passed while silence filled the air.

I went to the bathroom only to find her passed out on the toilet, her head lying against the wall.

"MOM GET UP."

*moaning*

Again, I grabbed her to wake her up, and she groggily pulled her pants up. 

I led her to her bed, pulled down the covers and told her to get in.

I rolled into bed and I covered her up and left without saying a word.



She PROMISED me this would stop. Months ago she poured her liquor down the drain, she said it would stop.

She lied.

This is not okay.

Now I'm moaning.

was pretty good.

got my photography assignment done

had a lot of fun swing dancing with my extremely manly partner

 it was very very nice out today, me gusta, me gusta

Drama class was outside today, twas fun, twas fun

ahhhhhh i'm on my period, and my tumtum hurts so I must go night night now.

right now

hmmm, not really sure how I'm feelin right now...

ehh, I guess a little tired

and I feel closer to god than I think I've ever been, in everything I do I ask myself "is this really what I should be doing, He's watching me, am I doing the right thing." 

I really don't have a distinct emotion going on right now, I'm just.. just... just fine I suppose.

I think that tomorrow will be a good day.

I feel like we're falling apart.

You've become meaner towards me, or maybe I've become nicer... but come on is that really gonna happen.

We argue too much, and i don't like it.

I feel like you never talk to me anymore, and I don't like it.
 
I am very very worried about you, and I don't like it.

basically, yeah.